Heather T.

Archive for September, 2008|Monthly archive page

Emptying out the duffles

In challenges, changes, Life Lessons on September 29, 2008 at 5:00 pm

God is good! He has brought me a greater understanding of the blog I wrote on Saturday about duffle bags. I have to share some of this with you.

Obviously I am a little emotional on the inside with the enormous changes happening in my life. But life really is a series of seasonal changes, pruning and new growth.

The loss of my mom has changed everyone in my family. There is a human void in our life that once was and we’re all learning how to rearrange. It’s especially difficult for my dad; which in turn, affects me.

This weekend, The Lord really opened my eyes to see a few truths that I’ve been missing. It amazes me that He must re-teach me these things, I can know them with all of my heart and being; yet, a tiny little storm cloud comes along and I find myself dazed and confused.

Saturday evening, I sensed that someone prayed for me. There was a defining moment of released pressure that swept over me. I praised God for you…whoever you were. By the time I awoke Sunday morning, I was feeling much lighter; then I felt drawn to my email. I opened it up and received a reminding comment from a friend and another message that she passed on to me. It referred to Matthew 24, when the storm came, Peter walked on the water & sunk, Jesus reached out for him…all was well. That’s really just a brief description but I have always loved the truth in that pivotal moment of Peter’s life. I’ve referred to it many times throughout my days with The Lord, and through the various storms. I was uplifted and felt nourished from that message.

The morning proceeded and we moseyed our way to church. The message at church was EXACTLY the same message that I received that morning. I smiled. I knew that Jesus was making a point here. One of the things I became aware of was “hmm…possibly this is could me considered a storm”…hahaha. As I pondered thoughts, I realized that there were “issues” in my thoughts that I hadn’t been verbalizing with The Lord. There were a few fears that I left unsaid, and things that I should be handing over to Him; rather than pondering in the thoughts of and drifting through the storm clouds in search of clarity.

Honestly, I amuse myself terribly because I do know this stuff. With women, we all have storms within us. The hormones that are in our bodies are continually changing and forming clouds. I am aware of them and know when the storm is coming. During this entirely new season of my life; shouldn’t I be praying in advance of the raging storm? Oh, yes…I think so. Jesus did…on behalf of his disciples. (Matthew 14:23)

So, yesterday The Lord pulled many things out of those duffle bags I wrote of on Saturday. He’s still pulling things out but in the process, He’s humbling me. He’s showing me that there are area’s of self that He and I are going to work on together.

I feel like He clarified so many things to me yesterday. He cleaned out the clouds and replaced them with some inner son-shine. It’s a joyful day today, even though out my door…all is dreary, wet, chilly and grey.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 from the NIV

Duffle Bags

In changes, Life Lessons on September 27, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Point said…I’m stressed. I’ve begun writing this at least four times now. The boys are loud in the living room. They’re having fun but in a very loud sort of way.

I know that some of my friends are noticing a change in me lately. Those who see me regularly and really know my character can see something. I’ve been asked a few times how I’m doing or if I’m okay because I seem different. I suppose I am different.

I feel like I’ve grabbed some baggage that I was never meant to carry. I’ve been trying to unload it here and there as I’ve felt it too heavy for me….but I pick it back up because there seems to be no one else around to carry it. I know this is stupid. I also know the entire reality of giving it to The Lord for Him to carry. I do…I know this. I also know that I’m supposed to be able to let it go and not pick it back up. The trouble is, it’s in my face and the baggage is OVERWHELIMINGLY LARGE sometimes.

I bet you’re all wondering what the baggage is, aren’t you? Well, its a few quite large duffle bags…see, I can’t even wear them on my back as you would a backpack. My body is getting weak and my brain is getting tired of trying to figure out how to carry them.

I can’t really name all of the bags, because I’ve only just begun realizing this as I’m writing. One of them is filled with concern…not worry, per say; but care. I care too much for some things because they matter to me. I’m sensitive to the needs of others. I desire to dig in deep and mend broken hearts. I desire to build confidence and trust in those who lack it. I want so much for those that I care about to know they are loved by Someone greater than me.

There are four quite heavy bags that are filled with necessary demands. These are very difficult to put down. These are the demands of little people in my life. Demands I say because things like food in hungry bellies, clean clothes to wear, homework to check on, schedules to keep, emotions to tend to…these things are required of me. Not to mention bills to pay, a dog to feed, a husband to care for and a house to clean.

I have another bag that is quite full most of the time; this one is filled with guilt. Guilt creeps in because I disappoint someone or can’t meet up to their expectations of me. It creeps into the bag so subtly….(I know the enemy puts it there). When I mess up something that someone expected me to take care of, or can’t be where someone wanted me to be, or do something for someone or minister here or there. When I’m unable to make every one of my children pleased at the same time, guilt creeps in. I found it’s there when I haven’t been the mother that I really desire to be, at the end of a day. Then there are the times when someone brings up something I did or did not do once; something I’m unable to even change.

There are some really heavy bags that I carry. Oh, another is responsibility. I really am the one in the house that manages everything, juggles money, adjusts, disciplines and cares for needs; other than money. I’m also the one (thankful to be) that nurtures and loves unconditionally.

These bags are carried by most women and mothers, honestly. Men have bags of their own but because I am a woman…we’re talking about me right now :o>.

I’m not writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me or to feel obligated to do anything. I write because it allows me to find release. It accomplishes something for me that talking face to face with someone couldn’t. I get out these emotions that I have bottling up inside. It allows me to put down the duffels and rest.

You all know that my relationship with The Lord is strong. He is the One that is always For Me and the One that can reach into my deepest needs. I know that this is just part of the process of learning and growing too.

So, something is changing within me. Even though this is the period of rest that God told me I needed, it’s also a tremendous period of change. I understand in part why I needed this season in my life; I just didn’t realize how much it would resemble the caterpillar in the cocoon. Imagine that!

One of the things I really need in this season of rest is to be understood. I need to be quiet sometimes. I need to be by myself sometimes and YES…I need to cry sometimes. AND it’s okay. It’s quite humbling because I don’t like to feel so out of control (even though I am not a control freak at all) but I know that God is in control and because He Is…it’s all good.

Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. ~Isaiah 40:28-31 from The NLT

Thank You Lord…

In Inspirations on September 24, 2008 at 12:36 pm

….for unexpected and sometimes frustrating happenings. This is an honest Thank You. I’ll be surprised if you’re not giggling after reading this one.

After the bus run this morning, my little man and I came home. The doggy girl was asking to go out, so I let her out. Then, my little man decided that he wanted to play on the front porch. I locked the door and he played a little while as I did a few things on the computer.

I finished up what I was doing and decided that we should grab some breakfast. My little man had my keys in his hand and he was pushing the buttons on my remote (lock, unlock, panic). I made fun, told him not to do that and put the keys away. He and I agreed that it was time to let the doggy in the house and that she needed to be fed. I asked him if he wanted to feed her or let her in. He chose to feed her.

I walked over to the back door to let her in and heard my car honking, like musically. It was funny. About a year ago, we replaced the old horn with one from the parts store. Apparently it plays a little tune when the panic button is pressed….cute. Well, the lights were flashing and it was singing to me.

I came inside and grabbed my keys, pressed the panic button but it wouldn’t stop. I was too far from the car. I don’t know how that could be when my little man had just done the same thing causing it to work. Oh well. I took the keys out to the back porch and pressed the button again…still it wasn’t working. Guess what I saw though as I looked up after pressing the button?

I left the bus lights on after my run this morning. Didn’t I giggle though.

I went out to the bus, shut off the lights; then I pressed the panic button and my car stopped singing to me. Of course, I knew at the moment that The Lord was smiling. He lightened up my morning with a little humor.

I came back inside and shared with my little man how God orchestrated all of this. Then I sat back down at the computer and just had to share it with you all. Isn’t God Awesome?

“Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name.
Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me.”
Psalm 103:1-2 from the NLT

Some Tough Choices

In challenges, mothering on September 23, 2008 at 3:33 pm
There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.
~Deepak Chopra~

Mornings at our house are pretty well coordinated; keeping the simplicity of structure as a base to beginning each day. I recently began a list of reminders for each of the boys to check every morning, afternoon and evening. It came as a thought after reminding them continually to do the same things. They’ve been using my brain over and over again to accomplish their daily tasks…and my brain is getting quite exhausted with three of them and my own thoughts.

I’ve noticed how well this strategy has worked out for my older two. They are taking care of themselves so easily and getting their expectations accomplished. It is good. Then, we have the littlest man; who also has his little list, made with pictures. This gives him a basic structure and includes him in the “big kid stuff”.

This week, the mornings have been really easy for me…until today. It went fine getting out of the house on time, everyone taking on their own reminders quite well. The trouble came after the bus run was over, when “little man” was alone with me. He stepped off of the bus “at his own” pace. We had a bus meeting to attend leaving us only about 10 min.’s to get there and we both needed to take a potty break first; so I was trying to move quickly.

I understand the need to move at the pace of a child, not allowing the world’s chaos and busy-ness to reconstruct us; but there are times when we have no choice but to move a little more quickly. He and I were managing without any loss of patience. He didn’t really want to go to the school for the meeting but didn’t fight with me about it and once there he enjoyed himself. I try to keep things fun for him wherever we go, even though it’s quite exhausting to do that. To be mindful of every moment.

When the bus meeting was over, he reminded me that he did not want to go to preschool today. He had been saying it all morning. I heard it well, but tend not to encourage those thoughts. I usually just say something positive or redirect his thoughts with a change of mind. It apparently had not worked today.

We left the school and pulled into preschool. He immediately told me that he really didn’t want to go today. I coaxed him in and he clung to me like he never has before. He’s been head-strong and challenging before but not like he was this morning. I stayed for a little while, trying to make light of it and allowing him to get comfortable. He’d have nothing to do with mind change. His teacher suggested that I just leave, let him cry it out. I had every mind to do that, because I know that he will eventually settle in. I’ve never been one to throw my kids into a situation when they aren’t ready. I’ve always allowed them to take steps at their comfort level.

This little man is quite different than my first two, as I’ve said before. It’s so important to really know your children and not treat them in the same way. There are stages of growth that prove to be challenging and are similar to other children; then there is a personality that can’t be shoved aside.

My oldest son was so close to his mommy. He wasn’t one to be left with anyone and some would not have agreed with the choices I made in his younger days, but I didn’t care. My relationship with my children is more important to me than what the world tells me they need. I think too often the character of an individual child is overlooked because adults won’t come down to their level of understanding. If only the adults could, they’d see a richer life.

So, you probably are wondering what that tough choice is that I titled this blog from. After a lengthy time of trying to persuade my little man to stay at preschool, I finally lost patience and left. I walked out the door with him hysterically crying. As I walked to the car, I could hear him struggling with his teacher and screaming in fear. Yes…I said fear. I know the difference between the controlling cry and the cry of fear. He didn’t understand why I’d leave him there when I knew that he didn’t want to be there…like I didn’t care. It matters to me!

I got into my car and thoughts came over me. Even though his teacher was thinking that allowing him to come home at this point may keep him from wanting to return; I knew that by leaving him in this way, struggling with her and being scared would definitely cause him not to return. My little man, as strong as his character is…is still very sensitive. He remembers things, he remembers by way of feeling…as do I. I began praying for the situation and as I backed the car up, I glanced over to the door. Do you know what I saw?

I saw the door open. He had opened it and was laying at the bottom of the steps trying to get up and he was crying. I saw his teacher pull him up and hold him back from the door as she tried to close it. That was the final moment of thought! I knew I couldn’t leave him there, no way.
I have no ill feelings at all toward his teacher, she was just trying to do what she needed to do.

Memories reminded me of when my oldest went to preschool there though. He had a few sad, missing mommy days in the beginning. I do recall going to get him, at her discouragement. Do you know that he did continue to go after that? The important thing was that he knew that if he was sad, scared or missing me – I would be there and it would be okay. My oldest is the big brother I wrote about the other day, the one that is thoughtful and understanding to the needs of his little brother. Maybe because he knows how it feels, he is able to show that kind of care.

I know my boys. I told my little man that being home today wouldn’t prove to be as fun as preschool; that when the boys stay home from school, they rest…not play. When we came home, we took off our shoes and cuddled on the couch for a few minutes. We talked about his behavior and that mommy wasn’t angry because he didn’t want to go. I wasn’t angry because he would miss me at preschool or that he wanted to go with me. I was upset because of the way he treated his teacher. We talked awhile. He understood, as he could.

I began questioning in my mind why, all of a sudden, he wasn’t wanting to go. I connected the dots over the last week or so and came to the conclusion that his behavior hasn’t been normal. I remembered that he’s been sleepy, snuffly and sneezy. He’s had a head cold. I wondered if his ears are affected or his throat? Needless to say, he could have an infection of some sort OR just be worn out and in need of some extra rest. Whatever this attitude is, I’m going to care for him and not expect more from him than he’s ready to give. (Just to mention, when I began writing this blog…he was awake. It’s still early, but he’s sleeping all snuggled up and cozy on the couch.
Preschool wouldn’t even be over yet. Hmmmm….guess I made the right choice.)

I found the quote above to be a great reminder for me. When the door to the future opens, with what attitude do I want my child to step into it? Certainly not a feeling of loneliness or abandonment. I’m going to be mindful and understanding to my children’s needs. I’m going to raise my children with the same care and understanding that I received when I was a little girl.

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you”
~Isaiah 66:13 from the NIV

Picture Perfect…

In Inspirations, mothering on September 22, 2008 at 10:17 am

…and without a camera in hand. This is just a quick note that I must jot down to have for the future of my children.

Yesterday afternoon, the boys were playing outside…all three of them. I was enjoying a quiet house and some time to just talk with my hubby without interruption. It was nice. Often, though, I was checking on the boys outside; looking through whatever window I could find them in. When I reached the kitchen, I saw them. This is what I saw:

My oldest son and my youngest were in the back yard, talking with each other. The oldest was holding a golf club and getting ready to swing it to hit the ball. As I watched, I noticed that my youngest had a golf club too (made from plastic). He was crouched a little bit away from his brother, anticipating the hit and watching his big brother getting ready to swing. They continued to talk and then the hit came.

My youngest was just as excited for his older brother as he would have been if it was he who cracked that ball. They both ran to retrieve it. I’m guessing it was the little man’s turn next.

I had to write this, not necessarily to share it with everyone but because it’s a memory that I want for these two to share together some day. I catch these kinds of moments with my boys quite often and fill up with appreciation. It’s beautiful to watch your children taking care of one another, playing healthy together and teaching each other things.

My oldest is six years older than his littlest brother. These two are much alike, except that the little man is much more independent and confident. It was definitely a picture perfect moment.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. ~Marc Brown
A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. ~Author Unknown
Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me.
Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.
Luke 18:16 (New Living Translation)

Finding The Meaning of "Rest"

In Life Lessons on September 17, 2008 at 4:59 pm

I know that I’ve shared in my blogs before of how The Lord simply told me to “rest” in response to a question that I had a few months ago. Shortly after that first answer, He told me again to “rest” and revealed a deeper meaning to the word. It’s something that I’ve needed to understand for quite awhile. The “rest” that I need is inner rest. I think that we all need it in our lives and we tend to get so buried in the daily “must do’s” that we often don’t take time to do this.

Women and mother’s especially need to find this kind of rest. There are constant demands on us; some that we have no way around and others that we create on our own. We’ve heard it before; to take advantage of the time we have with our children because they aren’t little for very long. I have always desired to spend quality time with my boys and then find that their attitudes have created chaos rather than quality.

I’m learning the meaning of this word that The Lord so purposely said to me. I’m learning each new day, where I need and how to find “rest” within myself. I’m learning how to shut-off the constant inner self that tells me “I need to do…”. Of course, there are always things that “we need to do” but take a moment to stop yourself. Breathe deeply in and exhale, ask The Lord what’s important in that moment. Ask Him and He’ll let you know. Pay attention.

Here’s an example:

Monday afternoon, a friend of mine stopped me on my way into the school driveway (I was in the bus). She asked if I was able to get together the following morning. I couldn’t even think at that moment what was happening the next morning but I told her I’d let her know. Later that night, I was pondering the choices in the next day. My little man had preschool, which would leave me 2 1/2 hours of time to do something. I really needed to pick up a few things at the store too. The next morning, I spent a few minutes in prayer and began the morning. I read a quick devotional that reminded me of the importance of spending quality time building relationships…with friends. It reminded me not to get so caught up in my own life of “doing” that I allow distance in my friendships. Well…hahaha…that didn’t stop me from going about the morning as usual. Thoughts circling in my mind still of what to do, I came home from the morning bus run and sat down to write my friend a message. I simply said that I needed to go to the store and didn’t think we’d have a chance to get together today. I no sooner clicked send when that devotional that I read earlier popped into my mind. The Lord was sending His message through His Spirit to my inner self. I realized that I needed to call her.

I called. I went to one store that had all I needed to get and it didn’t take very long. I met up with my friend at a local coffee shop. It was so refreshing for me. There are very few people in our lives that truly listen to us, with understanding and don’t try to fix us. I have been blessed with a couple of such friends (they should know who they are :o>) and she is one of them. She’s the one that is similar to me, with a “happy heart” and we laugh together. It was good! I felt as though I lived out the message of that devotional I read earlier in the morning.

I’m too funny because I often receive a powerful Word from The Lord and start connecting the dots. Initially “rest” came to me as an answer to take some time off in a certain area. That was an obvious confirmation. BUT, I began thinking that it also meant for me to stay home (as I like to do); to relax now and then, to slow down. Yes, all of those things are a part of this word. With that, I tend to hermit myself and become disconnected with my friends. I do believe that was not God’s purpose in this message for me. I found “rest” yesterday afternoon because I spent some time with a friend that The Lord knew I needed to see.

(I only hope that she was as blessed as I was in our time together.)

The Lord is loving and right. Yes, our God is full of loving-kindness.
The Lord takes care of the childlike.
I was brought down, and He saved me.
Return to your rest, O my soul.
For the Lord has been good to you.
~Psalm 116:5-7 from the New Life Version~

What To Do First

In Life Lessons on September 11, 2008 at 3:13 pm

Here I sit with only 15 minutes left before I run out the door to pick up my little man at preschool. This is only my fourth preschool day and I’m still wandering in my mind for what to do. There are so many things that I’d like to do with this time; yet I find myself doing the same things that I do when he is here. I must discipline myself better…”help, Lord”.

The other day, without a prayer; I decided that I was going to clean my carpet while he was gone. I came home quickly after dropping him off and began the job. What a crazy, wild morning that was! The machine wasn’t working properly, it wouldn’t suck up the water that it so effortlessly left on my carpet. Come to find out that it was missing it’s sucking piece.

So, once again…without a prayer, I ran out the door to the hardware store. I was determined to get this job done, with only 1 1/2 hours remaining. I knew on the way over, I could hear that sweet inner voice telling me to slow down. I ignored that voice (forgive me…again…Lord). I got to the hardware store to find that they no longer rented machines there. I smirked (knowing that I wasn’t suppose to have gone in the first place) and told the guys my dilema. They suggested I drive across town to the grocery store. I knew in my heart that I was suppose to go back home….but I didn’t.

I decided….without a prayer…..to check at the closest grocery store. I went in, saw the cleaner and told the woman that I wanted to rent it. She looked at me with hesitation and slowly told me that she was warned that the one left remaining didn’t work. Oh my goodness….wasn’t I laughing at myself. What a dunce! I knew better all the while I was in a tizzy of determination to get the job done.

Needless to say…I eventually ventured home with only 30 minutes remaining. I came in the door, threw up my arms and….with a prayer, I poured out my rebellious attitude. Why did I think that cleaning that darned rug was so important? I don’t know! Actually, I do know. I didn’t want that 2 1/2 hours of time to be wasted…hahahaha! Disgusted with myself, I went upstairs and spent some much needed, more important time with The Lord.

When I left to go pick up my little man, I was so filled with peace that it didn’t matter what came my way in those moments. I was released from myself…hahaha. Now, I know what to do first. But will I only pay attention and follow through, the next time? We’ll see.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. ~Philippians 4:6 from The Message

In Perfect Honor

In Inspirations, my mom on September 8, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Wow! Looking back at last week, I realize how fully packed every single day has been. I didn’t have much choice in it with the preparations for my mom’s Memorial Service. Yet, even though it was a very busy week; everything just smoothly fell into place. Honestly, I must say that it unfolded perfectly by the Hands of our Faithful God.

There were a few days spent at the church, talking and preparing the arrangements. I am going to be completely honest about this. Our church has three very special men leading the congregation, all gifted differently and the same. I had no worries with their leadership of the service. I trust and I know that these men SEEK The Lord’s Voice in their lives. It’s obvious to me. I truly expected nothing less than perfect in the message given to honor my mother’s life. Even though I knew it would be amazing, I am still in awe of it all.

Saturday morning, I was anxious for the unknown in the day ahead of me. I didn’t know how much time we’d need to completely set up or if we should decorate the tables. We had many different pieces of my mother’s artwork to share, along with albums and flowers. I also didn’t have any idea as to how many people would be coming. Not to mention that I felt a little awkward thinking of doing all of this…when feeling so “monthly” uncomfortable in an elegant dress with fancy shoes. I was anxious. Then The Lord reminded me not to fret, He was in control.

When we got to the church, I walked into the fellowship room to find all of the tables beautifully decorated with sunflowers and white table cloths. I call the church family who loves me, “my people”. They set up perfectly, with a few easels and a presentation table in the front. They arranged all of the food and to have everything put away at the end. I feel extremely loved. Then, after we finished setting up the artwork; it was time for the service.

I entered the Sanctuary to find family and friends who loved my mother dearly. Each hugging me and literally squeezing the tears out of me :o>. Everyone telling me how much I resembled my mom when she was my age. Then came the service.

How utterly and amazingly put together it was. Every single and entire piece perfectly placed and arranged to honor my mom’s life completely….to the Word. Both Pastor’s spoke and each sharing what they knew of her. One of our Assistant Pastor’s never really met my mom but he was able to share what he learned just from the times he has spoken with me and from the DVD of her life that I made. Our Senior Pastor; he knew my mom better and had been able to speak with her a few times. Boy, did they cover it. All Glory and Thanks to our Father for this, but also these two men really deserve credit for paying attention and focusing on The Lord. Only…only could it have come together so well because they were focused!

It was a great afternoon. You would have thought that when I came home I would have been so drained for all that has been happening in the last few months. I was tired from all of the socializing but I felt release and freedom. I felt energized spiritually. Today, I feel calm. I miss the ability to hear her voice, to feel her hug and to experience the delight on her face when she saw me BUT I don’t wish for her back. I really don’t. I love knowing where she is and experiencing the little glimpses of her life’s touch that still remains. I also love that I know she will be living like never before and she will be there ready to welcome us home some day.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?” Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. ~ John 14: 1-6 from TNLT

The Girl In Me

In changes, My Life on September 5, 2008 at 9:39 am

It’s been a little while since the last blog. I’ve been working on gathering treasurable words for the tribute of my mom’s life, spending time looking for paintings and artwork of hers to share at the Memorial Service on Saturday and getting back in the grinde of school schedules. I haven’t mentioned that my three year old just started preschool this week too. He loves it!! It’s perfect for us; being just a few hours twice a week. Perfect.

Well, I’ve titled this blog “The Girl In Me” for a good reason. Oh, my friends, you’re going to smile with this one. You all know how I am not a “girly girl”. I fight the world with the idea that you need to doll yourself up to be pretty. I believe everyone woman has beauty in them, if people have the eyes to see it. If they don’t have the eyes to see it, that’s they’re problem…not ours. I remember being taught in school, when looking for a job, that first impression is imporant. Looking appropriate and business like, clean and fashionable (well, clean is always a plus…hahaha) and carrying yourself with confidence was going to get you the job. If you didn’t have that, you would lose.

I remember my first job interview, when I was just 18. Oh, was I nervous. I dressed unlike myself (most likely showed it in the confidence area) and tried to watch every “p” and “q” with wording. It would have been a good job and I did get it, but I chickened out and now I realize that it was mostly because I knew I went to that interview, not as myself. I couldn’t be who I wasn’t forever. Every job was, in my mind, a possible career at that age (hahaha).

Alright, back to the reason for the title. I’m sorry, I always get off subject (must be the self diagnosed a.d.d. :o>).

So many thoughts have entered my mind since my mom departed. I’ll tell you, I’m growing more every day but will always remain childlike at heart. We all should, if we lose that child’s heart within us – joy is more difficult to know.

I’ve had moments of missing my mom and realizations that who she was “for me” is still within me. One morning, I was feeling led to open my Bible to Colossians 2:5 (it was a process of finding the proper verse). When The Spirit is leading you, don’t be afraid to ask further if you have any question about it. First came “Colossians”…okay, where in Colossians…”5”. There isn’t a Colossians 5…so where? “verse 5”. Which verse 5? “Look down”. I looked down and there was Colossians 2:5 right there in front of me:

“For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.”

That was totally a sentence that The Lord allowed me as a message from my mom. The writer of this Scripture was the Apostle Paul. It was well known to those who talked with my mother in her last good days here, that Paul was one that she was eager to meet upon her arrival into Heaven. Not only is this a message for me from my mother, but I also do believe this confirms that she’s met him :o>.

I still haven’t explained the title, have I? Stop laughing at me! (haha – no, it’s okay…I’m laughing at me…I amuse myself well). I’m just going to say it…no more getting off track.

One day it hit me that all of my life my mom was the one that brought me girly stuff. I was resisting most of the time because a lot of the things felt as though she was trying to make me more of a girly girl. Revelation hit one day. She wasn’t here any more. I have no one in my life now that did those things for me. Mom was a “Valentine’s Day” girl. She loved to be in the setting of romancy things, pampering and delicate. You know the stuff girls like. She would bless me with things that made her feel special. Then she asked me one day, what kinds of things made me feel special in that way.

Last week, I found a dress in her closet that she was going to give me because it didn’t fit her. I tried it on the day she wanted me to and it was too feminine for me. That’s the word…feminine. That word has all of the delicate, fluffy, frills. Feminine. So, I found the dress the other day and decided that I’d wear it to her Memorial Service. I tried it on this morning, it’s beautiful…but now it’s too big for me. So, guess what I’m going to do today? I’m going to go out and find me a feminine, well – my kind of feminine, girly dress. AND I’m excited to do it, in honor of my mom.

Catalogs are still being mailed to my moms house. Ones that were filled with fancy things and things that brought the feminine out of her. I found some things that I liked in there and realized that more of that part of me is showing now. The topping on that realization came when I tried the dress on this morning. Normally, I would say “Good, it doesn’t fit. I’ll find something presentable that I already have.” Not this time.

Mom has loads of papers from magazines and catalogs all throughout her house in boxes. Some of the things she’s kept were for thoughts of art; while others were there just to remind her of what she enjoyed. I found myself understanding that part of her last night. When I saw those things in the catalog that I really liked, I almost found that I could rip them out and save them for “maybe some day”. Of course, I won’t allow myself to pack rat things but it made me giggle. I shared that with my hubby and to my amazement, he understood what I was saying :o>.

Now I know, it’s up to me. Realizing that she will no longer be able to pull that girl in me out; it’s time that I grow just enough to do it for myself. I have no problem with that.

(Hey, don’t expect too much. I’m still not painting my nails and slathering on the make up. But you might find me wearing a dress….maybe….now and then when the urge hits…but most likely I’ll be barefoot…hahaha…no girly shoes for me.)

Me and my Mommy at Christmas…once upon a time.