Heather T.

Archive for August, 2008|Monthly archive page

The Valley of Discovering

In changes, Life Lessons on August 25, 2008 at 3:54 pm

Today, I was mowing the lawn and thinking…as I often do. I love to mow the lawn. This is where I can think without the interruption, pray without hearing anything but the zzzzing of the lawn mower humming. Being outside in the sunshine and the wind….oh, it’s good for me.

I was thinking of how everyone looks at me since my mom passed. They look so sorrowful and as if they are trying to understand. I think about my own feelings with the loss of my mom, trying to dig deep within to find sorrow. It’s not there, even in those moments of missing her. This is truly hard to explain to others. So many think that it hasn’t hit me yet, but I can’t explain what I’m feeling to anyone. Maybe only in writing? Possibly. Isn’t that how I always explain myself the best?

So, I’m here. Sitting at the computer and listening to the kids play outside. It’s good at this moment. I hope it lasts long enough for me to share.

Most of the grieving process, for me, has been just that….a process and it all began years ago. All of my life, I’ve had the thought in my head that some day she wouldn’t be here. I’ve had years of calling her once or more a day and needing her like no one else. She was an awesome mommy in the years of my childhood and a protective mother when I was a teenager. She became a new kind of mom when I got married and a grandma when I had my first child. She became my friend, truly my friend in the last five years. Also in the last five years, she needed me and our relationship was really amazing. I look back and really feel like there is nothing in my relationship with my mom that was left undone…it was complete. It is complete.

In the last five years, I’ve grieved by myself at different times. In this last month, I really felt her drifting from me. In one week, much of that loss was felt. That was the last week of her life here.

As I was mowing, I asked The Lord once again if there is something I’m not getting. Is there something that I’ve missed? What makes my understanding so different than most people and how is it that I feel so at peace with all of this? GRACE and FAITH are the only two things I can come up with. I don’t have an answer for you otherwise. I would like to be able to tell you the secret ingredient for understanding the way that I do, but I don’t know it. All that I am able to share with all of you is this process of life that I live. Maybe some can find the ingredient through my writing.

I do know that I’m grieving, it’s just different for me. It’s impossible to go through the loss of someone so dear to you without feeling something. I sense the loss of her not being here, but with that comes a wave of peace KNOWING where she is. There is a quietness about me sometimes that just needs to remain that way, as a part of my grieving. It’s not a sadness or the like, it’s again a peace but a needed time for reflection. There are times when I MUST talk, sharing thoughts and reminiscing…also needed. There is an inner stress that doesn’t show up until I’m overwhelmed in some given moment. With all of these different ways, I still rejoice. It’s not denial, shock or overlooking. It is Truth, Life and Understanding….It is Grace.

I was sorting through a few of my moms many pieces of paper, her Bible and other books this weekend. Saturday afternoon, I opened her Bible and found this little golden band tucked into it. She fills her books with stuff, little papers of thoughts or ribbons, feathers and whatever else. She was so funny. I look through and giggle. Such a lady.

I found this poem with the little golden band. This poem seemed so familiar to me. I don’t know why but I do know that it would be something she wanted to say to me at different times in my life. Also something that I would have said to her. It brought a tear to my eye.

Realize
by Ann Weems
If I could, I’d write you a rainbow
And splash it with all the colors of God
And hang it in the window of your being
So that each new God’s morning
Your eyes would open first…….to Hope and Promise.
If I could, I’d wipe away your tears
And hold you close forever in shalom.
But God never promised
I could write a rainbow,
Never promised I could suffer for you,
Only promised I could love you.
That I do.
Okay, friends. The children are now flooding in my house…I’ll catch up with you again some other time. Until then…thank you for your prayers and for taking the time to walk with me through this valley of my life.
Oh…one more thing I want to share. Moms, if you want to leave something truly priceless for your children…leave a bit of yourself to share with them when you’re no longer here. Even if you don’t know how to write, it doesn’t matter…little thoughts that your child can have as a part of you will leave a priceless gift. Believe me.

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Released from The Cocoon (a story of Grandma’s departure)

In my mom on August 22, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Well, my friends. I can’t explain the final words without starting at the beginning. On Monday night, I was talking to my dad on the phone and he mentioned that I could go up again and that he would take the boys for a ride or something while I visited with mom. I told him that I didn’t have the gas to go up there; nor the money for any and I wasn’t‘ feeling like I needed to go again. Every time that I have gone up there, it has been “one more time”; each time thinking it was my last.

After hanging up the phone, The Holy Spirit began working in my heart. On Tuesday morning
I was beginning to feel drawn to visit my mom one more time. That was the morning that I awoke very early and began praying about it. I really felt like God was leading me to go one more time but I knew that we didn’t have the money to get there and back. I also remembered that I hadn’t made the unemployment call on Sunday, which I thought would cause my check to be deposited one day later than usual. I didn’t know how it would work. I talked with Dad on Tuesday and told him some of what I was feeling. We remained with the decision for me not to visit on Tuesday.

After that phone call, throughout the day I felt a tug at my heart. I knew that I needed to go one more time but I also didn’t know why. We have all wondered through this if there was something left undone, keeping mom from leaving….wondering if there was one more word to be said or heard, one more touch to be given or received, etc. Thinking this, we’d pray and allow God to show us. All of us completed what we thought needed to be done.

I knew Wednesday that I had to go see her. I got up Wednesday morning, checked the bank balance and found that the deposit had been made then my Dad called me. He was at home already that morning and it all fell into place. The boys and I went to see him, spent some time there with him and then I left (leaving the boys to ride a few minutes later with Grandpa). We thought this would give me the amount of time that I’d need with mom.

Fearful, I was. Just a little bit. I knew that I was suppose to pray with mom. I feared that she would chose to go with me, rather than my dad being there. I did not want that. I know that my dad, as devoted as he is to her, would need this closure. He would need to be the one to release her. Wait until I share the rest of this story with you…..

I came into her room on Wednesday. She opened her eyes and we communicated briefly. I shared with her what The Lord showed me about the cocoon and the butterfly. She smiled and nodded, yes. I prayed with her and read to her from Scripture, some of God’s promises…some of her favorites. Then it was time for me to go, I knew my dad was there with the boys (I felt it). So, I told her that I had to go now. Well, that strong little lady decided she’d start fussing. She told me no. She tried to get up, as to go with me. I told her that she couldn’t and she said yes. I reminded her that I know how strong her mind is (that she passed that trait onto my little man) and that her body was not as strong. She couldn’t get up. She fussed a little longer and I decided not to fuss back. I began praying. As I prayed, she became less fussy and more peaceful. She laid back down and began to rest. When I finished, I stayed just a few more minutes and bolted out the door. You know, like when you lay your baby down and want to sneak out before it awakes?

That was it. My last moments with her. She’s such a stinker, I thought. I know that she wanted to tell me more and share more of what she’d been experiencing…but she couldn’t communicate it. She also wanted to leave with me. That’s the part that was a little difficult to take, having to tell her no. But it was perfect.

Dad and I spent a little more time together with the boys outside, talking and enjoying the beauty in the day. Then I came home.

Thursday morning, I received a call from my dad around the same time that I was thinking of calling him. He told me that she was gone. He also shared how it happened….

Around 8:00, she started fidgeting in bed and looking uncomfortable. He sat and watched her as she tried to say things to him but couldn’t understand her. He decided to get up and go help her to be more comfortable. As he approached her, he wrapped his arm around her back (like a hug style) and tried to gently move her over. He said that she looked up at him, said something and drifted away in his arms. He said that it was perfect and so peaceful.

I know that you’re all crying right now. I’m sorry to do that to you but I had to share how perfect God has unfolded all of this. Something else came to me the other day and want to share this last little bit.

I told you how we were able to get my moms hand print the day before she really declined? That day, she kept looking at my oldest sons new shoes. She loved the colors in the shoes (orange, brown, black and a little silver). She told me that she wanted those colors somehow to come together on the plaque for her hand print. In her hand print, there was a section missing…right in the center under the thumb. For awhile, it has just sat there waiting to be finished. I haven’t done anything to it since that first day with her. Do you know what I realized? The colors that were in the shoes are the same colors of a monarch butterfly. In the palm of her hand where the little empty space is, will now be filled with a beautiful little Monarch butterfly because that little lady has left her cocoon on earth.

Isn’t God good?

He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—He is supreme in the end. From beginning to end He’s there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of Christ’s death, His blood that poured down from the cross. ~ Colossians 1:18-20 (in part) from The Message

Oh, another thing….take a look at the heading on my page above. That would be a monarch butterfly, now wouldn’t it? I did this a few weeks ago…unknown, completely unknown to me that it would hold significance right now. I love Our God! He Is Perfect!

The Comings of Fall

In changes, Inspirations on August 19, 2008 at 7:19 pm

I began writing this on August 19th and was interrupted at the time. I took a look at it today and thought I’d add to it:

The boys and I woke up this morning to a chilly house. Downstairs felt like it was only about 50 degrees. It wasn’t (67), but the air was clean and crisp. I can feel the touch of Fall weather approaching. This past weekend we all went for a hike on one of the local trails. I noticed how many of the tree’s were already changing their colors. It’s early this year. It makes me wonder if we’ll have another early and long lasting winter….that’s typical for us in this state though. I do love living here. I definitely have the northern blood flowing through my veins.

Fall is my favorite season, truly my favorite. It always has been. The thoughts of harvesting all of the garden goodies (even though we don’t have one right now – the thoughts are there), apple picking and pies, pumpkins and Thanksgiving. The colors around me just fill me up, every year.

I survived summer well, I do believe. I was wondering how it would feel not driving the bus for a few months but it was a nice rest. I needed this summer just as it was. I can appreciate the days spent with my boys and friends, the time that we were able to enjoy Grandma, making jam and doing projects. It was really a good summer all around.

Only a few weeks ago, The Lord told me to rest. I know what He was referring to, I didn’t really need to ask; although I did. I need to rest, on the inside. With all that has been happening in my life over the last five years (much stuff), He’s telling me that it’s time to rest. To reflect on all that He has taught me. To reap the harvest of growth and gain even more understanding in the quietness of resting. The type of rest I am referring to is not the kind you gain from sleeping. This rest is the kind you get when you’ve completed a garden and have finished with it until the following summer. You sit back, enjoy the harvest of all that “enjoyable” hard work and the “not-so” enjoyable struggles that you put into growing healthy vegetables.

This was written before my mom went to be with The Lord last Thursday. It’s been almost a week now. I’ve enjoyed reading through her journals (something I wouldn’t have done five years ago but she encouraged me to do in the last few months). I’m enjoying the beginning of this new season of “rest” that The Lord has in store for me. My little man may start preschool next week, just a couple of days a week. I’m going to use that time to sit in my quiet home, reflecting on all of God’s goodness. I may write, paint, create, read…but before anything else, I will take that time to bask in the harvest of these last five years with The Lord.

School started today and it was so refreshing to see my bus kids again. The last stop on my route really brought a tear to my eye and encouraged me. One of my older girls was jumping up and down when she saw me driving (they’re never sure if they’ll have the same driver year after year). When I opened the bus door, she came running up and gave me a big hug. Didn’t that make my heart smile?!

The 17th

In challenges, Life Lessons, my mom on August 18, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Well, my friends. The 17th of August has come and gone. I don’t recall whether I’ve written the history of the “17th” before or not. Recently, I found out that there have been a few family members who left us on the 17th (of whatever month). I think that many of us were holding to the thought that yesterday would be the day for my mom.

My dad came in the morning to go to church with the boys and I. As he walked into the porch, he looked so sad. I couldn’t imagine that he’d be here at my home if she was gone. I asked him as he came in what was the matter. He just couldn’t get over how he missed her as he drove in our driveway. Our home was a place that they came together often. It was like the “happy” place for them, with our bouncy boys and smiley faces to greet them. He was sad.

It had been quite a while since he’s been to church with us. Wow, nearly two months. It felt good to have him there, even though I know it took all that he had within him to sit through it. I could feel his uneasiness and desire to be by mom’s side.

After church, we separately drove up to see my mom. Dad went before me and I left about 45 min. after him. When I approached the driveway at the respite house, there was a large group of people standing in a circle outside in the parking lot. I knew who they were before I even focused on them. My mom’s two brothers and family had come to see her before she leaves. My aunt and uncle were there as well. We spent the afternoon peeking in on mom, gathering around outside reminiscing and just talking. It felt good to have them all there. It hurt a little to know mom was inside, dad at her side…both unable to be a part of it.

It was good for me. My mom’s brother lost his wife a few years ago (on a 17th). His daughter’s were there for the visit and I was able to talk with one of them about her feelings losing her mom. She, my aunt and myself sat around the table sharing feelings and thoughts…all so similar. I really needed yesterday, all of it.

I’ve always felt that my aunt and I (mom’s sister) have been molded similarly, in nearly every way. It’s an amazing thought to comprehend for the both of us, yet when we’re together…there is such a peace of just “being”. Hearing her share her feelings about her mom and relationship with her, if only a few, really lifted me. I know that we both relate to life and others in the same manner. We follow The Lord as closely as we possibly can, in the same manner. Only our Heavenly Father could have put the two of us so closely knit, in the same family…to share ourselves with each other. Perfect.

Anyway….the 17th. I didn’t receive any phone calls last night. I have yet to phone my dad this morning. We are all in wonder. Surely we thought that her days at the respite house would be few. I was told that she said that herself. This is not what she expected. When I heard those words, I heard them as if she said them herself….because I have, many times.

Often, the way that God unfolds our lives are not as “we expected”. The process of unfolding can be difficult for us to understand, yet the process is really not for us to understand until the unfolding has occurred. Think of the caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Do you think that the caterpillar would willingly be wrapped into the cocoon, probably not. I wouldn’t, that’s too close of quarter’s for me. But, that’s God’s plan. Look at what that little caterpillar turns into as God unfolds His plan.

Flowers are the same way, tree’s and almost anything in nature. The process of “becoming”, the unfolding of it all isn’t always what we would expect. It stretches our abilities, our understandings and our results are left with a great big question mark over our heads. In most everything that I can think of though, the unfolded plan is amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s natural. And most of us wouldn’t have changed a simple detail of it, in hind sight.

Even though the process of watching my mom (and dad) wait for her final departure is difficult, it’s stretching, it’s leaving question marks over everyones head; I trust our God. I trust that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what we will all “become” through this. I know the unfolded plan will not be anything less than amazing.

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out.
Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice?
Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
~ Romans 11:33-36 from The Message ~

I glanced into the water this morning….

In challenges, Frustrations, mothering, my mom on August 15, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Well, yesterday was a much needed and enjoyable day. My sister-friend and I had an opportunity to visit my mom together, leaving our multitudes behind with her hubby (who is a muchly appreciated friend). My little man just loves this guy…very much!

So, we were able to visit mom together. Later, we went out to lunch to celebrate her birthday. I missed it with all that’s been happening lately….I just haven’t had it in me to go beyond what I’m able to do each day. Even Ray’s birthday (my hubby) was a little off.

My sister-friend and I had a good day together. After we came home, I couldn’t believe how the exhaustion came in. We really didn’t do anything that would have resulted in that kind of exhaustion, but it was there…full force. By the time that I got home, there wasn’t much left of me and it was apparent through my attitude. All that it took was a simple statement from my hubby to ignite the fire that’s been smoldering lately.

I am the one in the house that sets the Spiritual atmosphere, the one that takes care of the money business, the one that shops, cooks, cleans house and kids, does the laundry and keeps most everything in order. I realize that with all that’s happening with my mom right now, I am unable to keep up as well as usual with every one’s needs. It’s not easy and should be acceptable…it should be understood that I can only do what I am able to and YES I will need some help. Guess what? It’s not understood.

I realize that with all that’s happening, a different type of stress enters in so subtly…exhaustion. Unaware, we face spiritual battles inside and the emotional result spills out in different ways. I get exhausted, cranky and frustrated. After all of that comes out, I get sad. My sadness is usually a result of frustration. Frustrated with my “re-actions” and the explosions that no one can understand. For some reason, I have a hard time communicating the need for help. These guys seem to think it’s just a word, not a need (??) They also have no clue how to help. I don’t get it. Taking up a little slack is a big help. Offering self a little is a big help. Sleeping on the couch, asking for their own needs to be fulfilled…not so helpful. Of course, I have a three year old that is learning to help himself. I understand that he is three and learning…the others know what they can do and what they can’t.

So, this morning I woke up very groggy. My usual morning time with The Lord was interrupted. Not only by the external going on’s but the internal. I know that I am grieving the loss of my mom in my own way, just like any other would…in their own way. The inner understanding that I have does carry me like a cloud through most of this, but I realized that there is an inner part of me that hurts. It comes out when I’m tired and unable to perform as usual. It comes through in different forms, some can be good and some aren’t. When I’m at the end of the day, exhausted from thought and keeping everyone going…that’s when it shows.

So, I looked into the water this morning. I took my eyes off of Jesus and realized that I was sinking. I was sinking in distress, in weakness and in thoughts. It became apparent to me that the one person in my life that was able to “just know” the part of me that “needs help”, isn’t going to be here. Other than God, only a good mother knows that part of her child that needs. Needs a touch, needs a word, needs a smile, needs some help. Am I right, moms? You know what I am saying here.

See, The Lord could have kept talking to Peter to keep him focused as he walked across the water to Jesus. I think that He allowed Peter to see that there are times when we’re weak, times when we are unable to focus. There are times when it’s okay, because Jesus is right there holding out His hand. He won’t allow us to sink under…He won’t. In that moment, we realize that only He can really understand our need. Our need for His outstretched hand.

I suppose I felt that I had to share all of this with you so you’d be able to watch the process of grieving in me. To show you what it looks like for me and how I’m working through it. I will miss my mom and there is no person that will be able to fill her place in my life….only The Lord, and He truly is Enough.

Amen!? Check out this song on You Tube

Just a brief update…

In my mom on August 13, 2008 at 7:25 pm

Hi friends. This is just a little update on my earlier blog this morning. I just got off of the phone with my dad. Apparently, my mom allowed the ladies to put her oxygen tube back on her this morning. Not knowing that, I was thinking throughout the day about her and wondering how she could keep breathing without it for so long. Was I going to get that “call”? I decided to make a call to my dad to find out more and that’s when he told me she had her oxygen all day.

I know that many of you don’t understand how I am able to be so at peace with losing my mom. All I can say to you is that I am keeping my eyes focused on The Lord, I trust Him and I know that He loves each of us. His Grace is AMAZING and is carrying me like a cloud. There is an unexplainable understanding that fills every part of me, something I can’t put into words. You wouldn’t believe the way this feels to me. Maybe you would, only because you read my blogs. For the skeptics…this is truly me. What I write is a reflection of my heart, even more so than what you’ll see if you meet me.

Honestly, there are two areas through all of this that keep a grip. Two that I’m unable to shake away and I’m not agreeing that I want to keep them, but I think they are not unreasonable to what we’ve been through. One difficult area is wondering when that call is going to come. Though it is not unfamiliar. For five years, I’ve had that feeling every day. Each night I go to sleep wondering if I’ll wake with the phone ringing…it’s inevitable that the phone will ring when the time comes; unless I’m there (hmmm?).

The other thing that is difficult for me is watching my dad grieve and feeling his heart ache. Seeing him overwhelmed with uncertainty of what he should do, where he should be. That’s the hardest part for me in this….the inability to see my dad at peace. The Lord also prepared me for this though. He told me early on that I wouldn’t be able to reach in to that area…only He can, and in ways that won’t come through me. All that I am able to do is pray for him, pray with Him and continue to encourage him to look to Jesus. Really, shouldn’t that be enough? I think so, but I believe it’s in our nature to desire more for those we love…to do more for them. There’s nothing more that I can do. Somehow, I do know that what I’m doing is enough. Anything more would be useless.

So, for now….tomorrow looks like another day and just maybe…we’ll be visiting her one more time before she heads for home :o>.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.
Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers,
letting God know your concerns.
Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness,
everything coming together for good,
will come and settle you down.
It’s wonderful what happens when Christ
displaces worry at the center of your life.
~ Philippians 4:6 from The Message ~
AMEN!
Oh, didn’t you just feel that Scripture?
Like nourishment to your bones, huh?
That’s the Good Stuff!

Grandma’s Street Clothes

In changes, my mom on August 13, 2008 at 11:22 am
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,
things we don’t want to know but have to learn,
and people we can’t live without but have to let go.
~Author Unknown


I don’t know what you’ll think of this blog, but I know I’m smiling. This morning, I got up quite early. Lately, I haven’t been but it was 5:30 a.m. this morning. I came down, grabbed a quick cup of coffee and went back upstairs. Sitting in my morning fog, I began talking to The Lord.

After a little while of prayer, He tuned me in and I suddenly became aware of the need to pray more deeply….so I did. I felt confirmed when I chose to take my shower. Today’s plan was to get ready early and go to see my dad before he headed to mom’s room at the respite house. Shortly after I got out of the shower, the phone rang. It was my dad’s cell number.

He said that very early this morning, mom chose to take off her oxygen tube. The nurse’s tried to keep her from doing so but she refused them and chose to keep it off. This was about an hour before I woke up. He told me that when he got there, the nurse said she insisted on putting on her “street clothes”. He walked in her room and found her sitting up in the recliner. She looked at him and motioned him to sit down, put down her purse (he’s been carrying it for her…she doesn’t like to leave it anywhere). So, he sat with her for a while. Apparently, she became sleepy and he asked her if she’d like to lay down. She accepted. By the time he called me, she was laying there resting.

He was telling me this and I pictured every bit of it in my head (I’m very visual). It tickled my funny bone. My mom is such a funny lady, predictably unpredictable; as she always has been. These little ways of hers have always made me giggle. Before going to respite, she purchased her special outfit that she wanted to wear upon leaving. I told dad that if he had said she was wearing her special yellow suit, I’d have dropped my chin.

I shared with him how The Lord lead my prayer’s this morning, to be aware of some things. It amazes me how He does that. We get this glimpse of something inside us, can’t really place it but know that we need to be aware (PRAY). Later, someone says something or something has happened and the reality of God’s timing blows you away. I know that the timing was perfect this morning, so did my dad. After we got off the phone, I shared Grandma’s little story with the boys and my oldest laughed like I did. He understands his Grandma as well as I do, and it tickled him in the same way.

I got to thinking how my friend and I were going to visit her Thursday morning, together. Then I thought maybe we wouldn’t be able to, maybe this is her time (?). I decided to call my dad and have him put the phone to her ear.

I said something, very close to this (I’d write exact but won’t be held accountable for error because of my lack of memory…hahaha): “Hi there, you. Dad told me how you refused your oxygen this morning and that you were all dressed up in your street clothes when he got there. It made me giggle, you funny lady. I told Sam and he giggled too. (I knew that she’d smile.) I plan to visit you again but if you’re ready to go, I want you to know that we’re okay with that. We love you and we’re doing well here. I was going to bring Dawn tomorrow to see you, but if you can’t wait and want to go before then…know that she loves you too and that we want you right there to greet us when it’s our time to come home. We all love you. We WILL see you later and you dance all the way there, no worries about us. I love you!”.

Dad took the phone back and said that she was smiling.

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35:10 from The Amplified Bible

Do you want candy?

In Inspirations, Life Lessons on August 12, 2008 at 11:38 am

Something came to me this morning. It was a neat way to explain how perfectly God provides our needs and inner desires, those that we didn’t even know that we have…until He has given it to us, out of His Love for us.

I have one child that has used this many times, trying to get what he thinks he needs or wants. When he was younger, he would get hungry around dinner time. His little belly would grumble and his outer exterior would growl (seriously…like a bear). He’d reach for the first thing that he saw, that he thought would fill that need…that grumbling in his belly, and I’d say no.

Candy, snacks, pickles, cheese….whatever it might have been at that moment, he needed to wait for breakfast, lunch, dinner. See, usually it was in that last hour just before dinner time when he’d get to this point of hunger. Sometimes I would satisfy his hunger with a little bit, just enough to get him by until the feast. More often, he’d need to sit back and wait.

I think of how often God has provided for me, the most perfect gift at the most perfect moment. It’s not always in the form of a gift either, many times He’s filled me with the gift of assurance or of His love, of a feeling of contentment or better yet, His presence. For some reason, we all think that we have to have what we want when we want it…like it’s our right to get what we want or even what we think we need (just like the little child wanting candy). If we can wait a few more minutes (many times longer), we’ll receive the very gift that meets our inner needs. The gift that nourishes our being. Like the meal that mommy gives her child, it’s true nourishment and leaves the little one with a full “satisfied” belly.
God knows us better than we know ourselves. What we think we need, is usually not necessary to who we are becoming. These little things that pop up in front of us, like candy to a child, are not always something God would chose to give to us. Sometimes, they’re distractions from what He wants to give. Yet…we do what we want to, we eat the candy. When we get what we want, we sit there enjoying it for a few minutes (candy is not very big and only satisfies for a short time). If we live our life eating a bunch of candy, where is that going to bring us?? Yuck!

I’d much rather suffer with little bit of a grumbling tummy, waiting out for the big feast. The meal that’s going to satisfy every need inside of me and nourish my bones. The meal that brings me to the dinner table of my God for each meal and not some short pit stop along the way.

In my years walking with The Lord, many times I’ve wanted. Many times I’ve jumped on the desire and many times I’ve learned that it wasn’t what I needed. In the times that I kept my eyes on Him, I’ve watched the preparation of the great feast. WOW…He makes some good food. He’s given me the best of anything I could ever think up on my own. Always…every time I’ve waited on Him. Waiting is not easy, your tummy grumbles…your senses are eager to receive what you want and not wait for it….

Obviously, this isn’t about food. It’s about waiting on God to provide the DESIRES in your heart. Desires…..not what you want, what your heart wants. That’s not always the same thing.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
~ Psalm 37:4 from the NIV ~

Learning, Growing and Trusting God

In Life Lessons on August 11, 2008 at 12:56 pm

This is only a brief short of something important. All of my life, I’ve been one who is able to learn best by observing. I learn in the quietness of myself, not in a classroom atmosphere. I think some of that reason is because I get easily distracted by the world around me. I understand that we can allow ourselves one way of thinking and not be open to seeing any other way. I really don’t want to do that with myself, so I ask The Lord often to show me in any areas that I do that in. I want what He wants and am willing for Him to mold me into His ways of thought.

I think too often people in the world try to mask the true character of a child, or who they are suppose to be…labeling them with disorders. God doesn’t make mistakes, nor is He the creator of confusion. Definitely, people label attitudes and quirks because we have a need to categorize everything. Nature is beautiful. Character is too. By this world’s labeling, I may be in a small category for A.D.D., I may not have the greatest memory ever and sometimes I could be perceived as being a little flighty. But you know what…I am loved and God knows me. He loves and knows you too, no matter what this world tells you that you should be.

Time and again, God has used what seems to me as little quirks in myself (forgetfulness, lack of attention) to bless someone without my knowledge. He’s shown me that it doesn’t matter, He can work through me even when I’m unaware…mostly when I’m unaware – AS LONG AS I am keeping focused on Him. Focused on Him.

I love, read and think about Peter walking on the water to meet Jesus. So often, I relate myself to that account in Peter’s life because I know that if he only hadn’t looked at his surroundings – he would have walked all the way across that water to the loving arms of Jesus. We can learn from the lessons of the Disciples.

During my quiet time this morning, The Lord has reminded me of many things. He’s in the process of leading me beyond my comfort zone again (even with all that’s happening in my family right now). For right now, it’s time that I just wait on Him (learning at His feet, seeking Him and writing down everything that He’s showing me…in my journals).

Something came to me this morning and I don’t know what the significance of it will be, but I know that I need to share it here carefully. Everyone is different in the ways that they learn and grow in life. The Lord has led me all the way to here without classroom knowledge, without college history and without church bible studies. I know that we’re not all made the same way, friends and family are proof to me. What I am able to do is understand there are differences and find joy in the ways others find Him. I know that each one of us has our own walk ahead.

Accept the differences of those you love. I know that college was not something that I needed, nor was going to the prom and other things that some think you really must do. I have no regrets for not having done those things. God has brought me to the places I need to be, in my walk with Him. That’s what the focus of life really is….to Walk With Him and allow Him to show you who you truly are. Purpose in life, not striving to become or following the world’s definition of success. Success is only found in keeping our heart focused on The Lord.

The most important thing that I can do is Trust the fact that I know & witnessed each of my children accept Jesus into their life. I did when I was only four years old. Nothing can compare to having that knowledge of Christ in your life when you’re a little duffer. He opens the heart of children at different stages in their life to realize who He is once again. At some point, entering adulthood, they’ll come back to Him and see the life that they have in Him…on the path ahead.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!
~ Proverbs 3:5 from The Message

Bringing Light to Grandma’s Eyes

In Inspirations, my mom on August 9, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Good company, lively conversation, and the endearments of friendship,
fill the mind with great pleasure.
~ Edmund Burke ~

I had the opportunity to visit my mom today, without the boys. I headed out early enough to catch her beginning the day. She’s having more difficulty breathing and being awake now. When I got there she was having breakfast.

My dad feels sad and frustrated because she gets angry when he tries to help her. She doesn’t want him to help her, yet will allow the rest of us to do it. She’s a pretty stubborn little lady when she wants to be. I think it hurts my dad a little that she won’t let him help her, but I can understand the way she is.

One of the couples that they’ve known for years came to see her while I was there today. They are one of the handful of couples that the town girls married the Airforce boys. It was nice to see them there. Later, another old friend of my mothers came. Dad and I were sitting out in the waiting area when she came. We were able to chat a little before going back in to see my mom.

When we went back in, mom was laying in bed and looking to see who was entering her room. Her friend, Mary, peeked in and asked her if she knew who she was. At first glance, I’m not sure that mom knew but as Mary got closer….mom’s eyes perked up and her whole face beamed. She said “Mary….Oh, it’s Mary.” What a precious moment. This was the woman that mom knew since she was a tiny little girl starting kindergarten, also her special friend for years and years and one of the group of girls that married so young.

What a great feeling to have witnessed that final farewell to this life, between old friends.

The light in the eyes [of him whose heart is joyful] rejoices the hearts of others, and good news nourishes the bones. ~ Proverbs 15:30 Amplified Bible